God damn this stress. God damn this depression. God damn this week.

Everything. Has. Fallen. Apart.

I've done something so stupid that I've lost a friend... It hurts. It hurts a lot.

I'm worry about my friends... I just can't help it. It's in my nature to worry.

This week....just...ug.

Monday I nearly fell apart but I held it in and continued on. Tuesday and Wednesday things have gotten stressful. My friends are suffering and there is NOTHING I CAN DO. I just want to help but I haven't the right words to say... everything is coming out wrong....

A friend at school left Wednesday..she's wheelchair bound because of cancer, but she's gotten so much better that the doctors agreed to give her a hip replacement so she can walk again. I'm so happy, but scared. I won't see her again until next year.....

But I still held it in. I hid behind a shield, forcing myself to look and act happy and normal, like there's nothing wrong...

But that shield shattered tonight. That shield is no more... I broke down. I cried for an hour in a half... I still want to cry.... all these events lead up to what happened tonight.

At 4:52, my eldest rat, Chloe, took her last breath. She had a tumor in her abdomen that I knew about. It had been bothering her for the past month, but she had a strong will and that didn't stop her in the slightest. I've never seen any animal hide her pain so long....I wish I was that strong....

There had been an unknown tumor in her chest cavity that was slowly killing her...and tonight I just noticed it. Over her right lung and her heart was a tumor that had jutted out her ribs and ultimately killed her. I didn't notice this because she was moving around when I came home from a half day... I took a nap and woke up...took out the trash and came back into my room. A loud noise in the kitchen made me get up... but I never left my room. I spotted Chloe lying down and decided to say hi...but she barely looked at me. Nicky, her daughter, jumped down and climbed over her...that's when I knew she was dying. I panicked... I grabbed a shit out of my closet and wrapped her up in it... and sung to her 'Need You Now' by Lady Antebellum and '.45' by Shinedown... She took her last breath halfway through .45. That's when I lost it. I cried... I mentally broke down. I couldn't hide it anymore... I couldn't lie and say everything is all right....

Burring her was the hardest part... I didn't care it was cold... I used my own two hands to dig a hole under my window for her... I didn't care that I hurt my fingers... I dug and dug until I deemed the hole deep enough... I gave Chloe one last kiss and held a mini funeral... a large rock for a headstone and everything.... I found a clover and placed it over her grave... since that's what I named her after.

I'm still not stable... anything makes me break down and cry... I tried to sleep, but a nightmare in the limbo jerked me awake and I didn't want to go back to sleep.

I've developed the urge to become violent in my stress and depression. I'm...not violent... but the satisfaction of punching a hard surface... hurting my own hand... is screaming in my head. I've fought it... I'm trying to keep it at bay... I've even written this journal to see if it worked... but... God damn this.

School tomorrow....oi... I'm probably going to break down attempting to explain to my teachers and friends what's wrong.

R.I.P. Chloe... I'll miss you... you were the greatest rat I ever had the pleasure of raising. From the moment you climbed up my arm at the pet store, I knew you were the one. I've never met an animal such as yourself. I never knew rats were such great and loving pets... you taught me a lot over the two in a half years we've known each other. I'm sorry you were bred so poorly that you suffered from the tumors... I'm sorry I couldn't do anything... I'm sorry baby... I wish you the best luck, wherever your spirit goes... If you happen to meet Lucy, Thomas, Pud, Kacey, Cassiopeia, or Co-co... tell them... tell them I said Hi.